


Undrunk

by look_at_you_go



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anonymous Sex, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Ben's Having a Bad Time, Ben's Not a Good Actor, Drinking to Cope, Drunk Sex, F/M, Is It Really a Reylo Fanfic if Ben Solo Doesn't Give Head?, Joke's on You I can Only Write Happy Endings, Rey is a (little bit of a) Mess, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Vaginal Fingering, angst abounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:14:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23660653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/look_at_you_go/pseuds/look_at_you_go
Summary: Ben Solo is having a rough time getting past a break-up. He copes the best way he knows how. Vaguely inspired by a song of the same name.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 14
Kudos: 76





	Undrunk

**Author's Note:**

> Song is Undrunk by Fletcher.
> 
> I haven't written anything for a fandom in ten years, when I was but a child. But this amazing community drew me in, and through all of the stories I read, I fell into Star Wars. Thank you, all of you, for giving this to me and letting me cry over yet another set of dumb babies. I've been lurking for a long time, and between the amazing work I'd seen and just being smacked in the damn face by the song mentioned, I wrote this over a weekend. Took a month and a half to get beta'd, but here we are.
> 
> Quick shoutout to the best beta, my dear husband.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy it.

The woman giggled as she pulled herself off of Ben’s mouth. She winked at him and said something that he couldn’t hear over the pulsing bass of the house music.

For his part, he offered her a lazy smirk and raised a drink to her as she turned away, adjusting her too-short shorts as she walked gracelessly on wobbly legs back to her friends. Between the way she was still clearly affected and the feeling of her slick essence on his fingers, at least one of them got something out of their impromptu hook-up.

Ben downed the rest of the tequila in the glass, wiping his mouth with his clean hand. He dropped the glass and stalked to the bathroom, pushing past a few stumbling former frat boys. They howled into the night in a rallying cry as Ben washed away the residue of the encounter with that girl. He hadn’t even gotten her name.

It didn’t matter.

She didn’t matter, nor did the girl in her posse before her, or any of the girls tonight. They all batted their eyelashes at him the same way. They all left the same taste in his mouth with their kisses that would burn away with tequila. They all fell apart on his fingers the same way.

This was how it always went. He’d been doing this for weeks on end, and if he was feeling more sober and less honest, he could pretend it wasn’t to try and drown out the memory of a mouth that tasted like peaches and a smile with enough warmth to keep the cold out at night.

But that Ben could lie to himself, the same way he’d lied on the worst night of his life.

He turned the water off in the sink, his vision hazy. Black curls were tangled where what’s-her-name had gripped as she came on his fingers, and he was looking even paler than usual. He looked like shit, and yet every girl he’d held eye contact with tonight fell over herself to try and get him home with her.

He’d responded the way he always did: a kiss to distract and the convincing argument of a mysterious whirlwind encounter. Every single one of them was just drunk enough not to question his argument, but aware enough that they still had a choice to continue.

The face in the mirror curled its lip in a sneer. He knew he was disgusting for preying on women like this, and yet with every hazy, blissed out face, a little part of him hurt just a little bit less. Well, that and the numbing of the tequila, burning away lingering traces of bright hazel eyes in his mind.

His hand twitched just once before he swung a fist to the wall beside him, a low grunt in his throat as he registered the shooting pain in his knuckles. A quick but careful look showed the beginnings of bruises, but no blood. He shook his wrist as the cool air of the silent bathroom cooled the heat of pain.

The thundering pulse of the music was subdued in here, and he took a deep breath, running his uninjured hand through wavy curls. His shoulders trembled for a millisecond as his hands rested on the sink under him. The brown eyes in the mirror shone with unshed tears, but Ben gripped the sink as he blinked them away. He couldn’t do this; not here.

This club was too loud; there were too many people; the bartenders knew him by sight and were steadily directing women away from him. Someday he was going to have to stop doing this and maybe even do something productive with his damn time.

That wasn’t tonight, though. Until then, as long as the alcohol kept flowing and the girls kept holding eye contact, he’d stay.

Ben shook his hair gently and took one last steadying breath, his shoulders relaxing. Those same brown eyes were still cold from sadness, but now they could pass for bad boy aloof. He rolled his neck and left the door swinging behind him as he made his way to the bar.

The bartender looked at him wearily but said nothing as Ben got another tequila with lime and salt, eyes scanning and landing on a brunette. Normally he avoided brunettes–reminded him too much of long chestnut hair that always smelled like honeysuckle–brunettes were a bad habit, and liked to break patterns.

He squinted as he considered her. Her hair was just as dark red as it was deeply brown, and her eyes were clear and vibrant green. She was the right height and a similar build, but she held herself the wrong way. This girl had none of Rey’s self-assured confidence, and her determination lacked heat as she held Ben’s gaze.

Still, by the way her skin was flushing under the low light, she’d do. Ben sipped his drink as he deliberately let his eyes trail over skin that was too pink and lingering on breasts that were too big. The woman in question shivered as her chest heaved the slightest bit and she bit her lip.

Ben slid from his seat and pasted on a smirk as he sauntered over to her. This would be easy.

* * *

Chocolate-cherry hair was splayed on too fluffy pillows, fast asleep. Ben held his head in his hands as he sat on the edge of the bed, not too far from her, just as stark naked as she was. The digital clock read just after 12:30 AM, bright and neon pink.

This is why Ben didn’t do brunettes.

That encounter had begun the way they almost always went. She was falling apart under his machinations, but once she’d gotten her orgasm, instead of stumbling back to her friends, she’d paid Ben’s tab, texted an Uber, and kissed Ben harder. He’d resisted her at first, but when he pulled back and seen brown hair framing bright and pleading eyes, he’d fallen into the same damn rut Rey had trained him into. 

He at least made sure to only give her the basic amount she needed to get off: him thrusting into her from behind, his thumb on her clit as she cried out with the wrong voice. If he was imagining chestnut hair tumbling instead, a body made for sex with his, and a deep contralto moaning his name to help him along, she never needed to know that.

And here he was regardless, pressure pulsing in his head and condom spent in the trash.

There was little debate about his next move. He looked back at the sleeping woman, standing up and grabbing his pants. Once he was dressed, shoes by the door, Ben leaned against the wall, Uber opened on his phone. The nearest driver would be here in five minutes.

Shoes on, Ben turned to leave the apartment when he heard even breathing suddenly slow. Sleeping beauty was shivering, duvet kicked at her feet. The shiver soon passed, and she fell back into sleep.

Ben tiptoed back over, pulling the covers over her sleeping form. He might not have learned her name, but he could do that much.

He crept out of the door, it shutting softly behind him. As he shuffled down the stairs, he thought about that tiny kindness he did. That girl would wake up in the morning with a memory of Ben’s cock in her body and little else about him. She wouldn’t have his name or his number, but she might remember that he helped keep her warm.

A gasp bubbled in his chest as a wave of loneliness crashed over him. God, he missed being cared about. No matter how much he pretended otherwise, it was impossible to deny: it felt good to go home to someone who knew how to rub his back and laugh at his dumb jokes and whisper that he was never alone in the dark.

It was all he could do to clench his trembling hands into fists and swallow the sobs threatening to break in his throat.

Ben had the worst temper, but Rey had never failed to rise and meet it. When she cut him with her ever-insightful and sharp honesty, Ben cut her back by screaming a lie. He knew it was over the second she stiffened instead of snarled, hazel eyes brimming with tears. He’d gone too far, and he was aware enough to admit that.

He had opened his mouth, ready to apologize, but she evenly and briskly walked out of his apartment, taking half his heart with her. He’d been so stunned, she’d gone by without him saying a word to slow her down. When he called her once he could speak, it went straight to her voicemail. As it did the next time a few hours later, and again the next afternoon.

That had been a few months ago. 

He’d started going to a bar the next week and established his MO. Every now and again, he’d fuck up like tonight, and he’d be on a different block, reliving that pain all over again as he waited for rides.

He might have been awful for stealing their pleasure as his own, but it beat the alternative. Anything was better than trying to cool the chafed, raw skin of his dick with salty tears. The nudes Rey had sent him forever ago weren’t exactly great company, and he could see her disdain at him having kept them all this time.

What she didn’t know couldn’t bother her, though, so they stayed on his phone like a shrine to her, along with her goofy selfies and his candid shots of her.

Ben stood in the dark night, stars glittering distantly in the sky, replaying the hurt in Rey’s eyes and the radio silence and watching the memories of their happier days going up in smoke.

A drunken thought was bouncing around his head while he waited. It wasn’t the first time that idea formed in his head, especially when he’d gone home with some girl whose name he didn’t bother to remember. No, this idea wasn’t original, but it was stupid. He was definitely drunk; he should just go home and get some sleep.

And yet, he plucked his phone from his leather jacket. Fingers scrolled to her contact, and he methodically punched out a single sentence to her.

The Uber arrived and he was sliding in as the response flashed back. Ben’s head lolled forward a bit as he told the driver the new address, and he could feel a smile stirring as he nodded off on the way to Rey’s apartment.

* * *

He didn’t even have to buzz up when he arrived at the front door of her building. The older doorman let him in with a pitying look as Ben shuffled in, bowing halfway between graceful and graceless to the older man. He stumbled a bit into the elevator, suddenly sleepier than when he’d had this idea.

He pressed the button for the fifth floor. This apartment was her reward for making partner at her law firm; she was always  _ so _ smart and ambitious; she’d started at the bottom and made herself indispensable by sheer virtue of being herself. He could certainly relate to wanting to keep her close.

He was swaying by the time he reached her apartment door. Before he could knock, the door whipped open. Ben’s heart swelled immediately.

Rey stood in the doorway, her green-rimmed honey irises bright as always. She was stuck somewhere between annoyed and defeated, and she'd mentioned already being in bed when she answered his text.

Despite his buzz from earlier, seeing her, feeling the warmth of her being so close–it knocked the breath out of his lungs.

She looked him over and sighed as she pulled him inside. She was wearing cute little shorts and a tank top, though it didn't really make a difference to him. She was stunning in anything. Her chestnut hair was bouncing near her shoulders freely; it was definitely shorter as he stared at the back of her head. He sighed happily as she came to a stop in front of him.

She looked down at her feet for a long second before she looked up, eyes analytical as she examined him. She wasn’t fooling him; though. He would always recognize the fire in her eyes. Once her look over him was finished, she crossed her arms and sighed again. “This was a bad idea, Ben,” she finally murmured.

Her richly deep voice warmed his blood immediately. Her words sank in, and he read the room around her. His eyes met hers evenly, words slightly slurred. “You had a rough week at the firm, hmm? Someone has you stressed, Rey.” He smiled a little. “You only wear the little pink shorts when you’re having a night in with  _ Boston Legal _ .”

Rey softened a bit before she remembered herself, and she looked at him warily. Silence stretched between them for a while. “I’m not saying you can stay, but I can get you some Gatorade and Excedrin.”

Ben’s smile grew to a full grin. “My hangover cure,” he whispered conspiratorially as he plopped on her couch.

She rolled her eyes, wiggling her nose. He knew better, though; that was Rey’s favorite way to hide a laugh.

“Hey,” he yawned. She raised an eyebrow as his head lolled around; staying conscious was difficult. He was going to make sure he got this out. “You cut your hair. It looks good.”

Rey snorted, turning as Ben’s eyes drifted closed. Before they shut completely, he did see Rey’s arms drop from her defensive stance, and one hand twirled a strand.

* * *

It was still dark when he awoke abruptly to the sound of voices arguing. His head was heavy, but he'd already sweat out a lot of the drunkenness of earlier. He was tucked under a familiar blanket. This was the one they picked up on vacation last year; it was his favorite shade of blue. There was a pillow under his head; drugs and Gatorade were on the coffee table in front of him. Ben took the offered pill and downed the drink. The pounding in his head lessened considerably. He was still going to be hungover, feeling lingering traces of alcohol in his system.

The voices weren’t helping him get back to sleep.

Suddenly one of the voices sounded extremely familiar, and Rey’s whisper-shouting was becoming less whisper and more scream.

The other voice was distinctly male.

Ben was still a little drunk, and the idea of kicking that dude’s ass ran through his head, but there was no time to decide as Rey’s bedroom door slammed open.

“I actually cannot believe you,” the male voice shrieked. Ben frowned slightly, still pretending to be asleep.

Ben recognized Rey’s patronizing scoff. “Oh please, you’re overreacting,” she drawled.

There was a sound not unlike a gaping fish. “ _ Overreacting?  _ I came over to see you after  _ you _ booty call  _ me _ , then you tell me you can’t because  _ your fucking asshole ex _ needs you?”

Ben frowned slightly. Rude, much?

Rey was indignant on their collective behalf. “Oh please,” she hissed. “Didn’t see you turning down that  _ booty call–” _ Ben could just see her air quotes behind his closed eyes, Rey never turned off lawyer mode– “and you said it yourself, he’s my asshole ex. You have nothing to be jealous over.”

Ben inhaled sharply as quietly as he could. It may have been true, but that still stung.

The male voice laughed humorlessly, stomping toward the front door. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You’ve always been so  _ fucking _ rigid, and here I thought you just needed a good lay to get it out of your system.” There was a pause, but the venom in the man’s voice had already paralyzed Rey. For the second time in all the time he’d known her, Rey was silent.

Heat was boiling in Ben’s veins. How fucking  _ dare  _ he–

“God, and I believed Poe when he said you were over him. ‘She’s just a little standoffish, she’s really cool.’ Bullshit,” the man huffed. “Standoffish _ my ass _ . You’re still hung up on him,  _ he’s passed out on your fucking couch right now. _ ” The locks unlatched and there was more movement. The man scoffed again, his voice now in the hallway. “You can’t even deny it. This,” Ben imagined him making a gesture, “is the reason why you’re still alone. Goodnight, Rey.”

The door shut behind him.

Ben could barely keep up his pretense of slow, sleepy breathing, and he couldn’t hear any other sound in the room. Eventually, a shaky, heavy sigh fell from her lips, and she shuffled around. Her bedroom door closed softly, and he let out a sharp exhale.

Once it seemed like some time had passed, he cracked open an eye, bleary in the darkness of Rey’s warm apartment. It was that hazy time where the late night and early morning’s edges faded seamlessly, and the same time of night where he’d found himself in a 24-hour diner, black coffee on the table a few months ago, eyes red-rimmed when he realized she wasn’t going to pick up.

He sat up on the couch slowly, careful to be quiet. He swore softly, the lingering headache beginning to subside ever so slightly. He rubbed at his temples, relieving more of the pressure. What was he even doing here, at this point? The two of them were right; it had been a bad idea for him to come, but now he was here.

Was it better to stay and force her to deal with him? Was it manipulative for him to leave and hope she worried about him? If that asshole was right and she did still care, would he be worse for exploiting that?

He found himself mirrored from earlier, resting on the edge of Rey’s couch, head in his hands. Eventually, he pressed his fist into his knee. He should leave; maybe send a text to let her know he wasn’t dying, then he’d let her go, for real this time.

He searched around and saw his phone, plugged into a charger just beyond his reach. Once he spotted it, a throat cleared from behind him.

He flinched and swore under his breath, turning slowly. There, leaning against the opposite wall, was Rey. Chestnut hair was pulled up and out of her face in a messy topknot, and her impossibly long legs were crossed at the ankles. Her fingers drummed on her hip bones as she cocked her head, amusement playing at her mouth.

Her eyes were guarded, though, as she looked him over.

Ben withdrew a little bit, rubbing at his eyes. “Hey, I’m surprised you’re up,” he yawned.

She chuckled, shaking her hair as she came off the wall and took a step closer to him. “You’re such a bad liar, Ben. I know you heard all of that.”

He stiffened, running a hand through his hair. “Yeah.”

She nodded twice. “Thought as much. Sorry you had to hear that.” All of a sudden, she was rubbing her arm sheepishly. “I wasn’t–I mean, I–what he said–”

Ben held up his hands, chuckling. “Relax, Rey. You don’t owe me any explanation.”

Her eyes widened slightly as her stammers stopped. He was equally taken aback; he  _ absolutely _ wanted her to explain, and under any other circumstances, she would have relished the opportunity. And yet, having seen her so off her game, suddenly nervous–he found himself oddly at peace.

He stood slowly, and he pretended not to notice how even now, she stood firm. “I really appreciate you letting me crash here, but I think I’m feeling better. I can go, if that makes things easier,” he offered quietly.

Rey took another couple steps closer to him, her little bun bouncing in time with her. “You know me better than that,” she replied, equally quiet. “It’s too late for you to be out, just shut up and go back to sleep.”

Despite himself, Ben chuckled again. “No problem, commander.” Rey cracked a smile in front of him, her shoulders relaxing. He stole this moment to look her over, and saw for the first time the hint of dark circles under her eyes. Her freckles were more pronounced too, like some of the glow she’d always had was gone.

“Rey,” he began carefully. Quickly though, thoughts rushed to finish his sentence.  _ Your smile looks out of practice. You've _ _ been having trouble sleeping _ .  _ Has this been killing you as much as it has me? _

She cocked her head, the smile beginning to fade as she waited.

He couldn’t do this to her right now, he decided. She needed to sleep.

“Thank you for the blanket. It’s warm enough,” he said instead. Her smile returned, a little wider now.

Something warm and familiar was present between them, something Ben felt in the hollow of his chest as Rey mumbled a thank you, a hint of red flushing her still-smiling cheeks.

She took one more step, now close enough that her honeysuckle shampoo flooded his nose. Her hand reached for his, and he let her take it. Strong fingers wrapped around his palm, and they both watched their hands. When she was this close, when her hand was in his like this...it was almost like before.

He chanced a look to her face to see her eyes already on his face, still unreadable. “You know, he was wrong,” Ben murmured. He squeezed her hand. “You’re not alone.”

She held his gaze in silence for a good minute as her back tightened, letting the air in the room thicken. He could see his words in her mind, rushing as she processed. Her eyes never wavered, only narrowing as she dropped his hand, still not saying a word. God only knew what was racing in her mind, and she could flip from defense to offense in a split second, and he’d be a pile of shreds at her feet.

That was nothing new though. Ben snorted internally, wistful. He always had fallen to pieces over her. She might have been a head shorter, but she'd never seen him as anything less than an equal opponent, and he'd never deviated from that.

Her shoulders dropped again as she made her decision. She reached up and swept hair off his shoulder before her mouth twisted into a half-smile. “Neither are you,” she finally whispered. With that, she stepped away, heading to her bedroom. His eyes never left her retreating figure. She opened the door, and stepped through, meeting his gaze evenly. “Goodnight, Ben.”

“Goodnight, sweetheart,” he called back as he sat back down. It was a moment before he caught his old habit, and he whipped back around for Rey’s reaction, but the door was already closed.

Ben let his head drop back against the couch.  _ What was that?  _ He yelled internally. _ What was  _ any _ of that? _ This was already awkward enough, but he couldn’t let that go uncorrected, right? That was a step too far. But Christ, shouldn’t they both just get some sleep? Rey might not even care, and this would be yet another bad decision tonight. He would just never talk about it again.

_ There _ , he thought. The matter was resolved. He would get comfortable on the couch they’d spent alternating weekends debating anything, with the blanket they’d gotten and fallen asleep under together, in the apartment where he made her breakfast when she’d cried for hours after her foster mom had died.

He wasn’t even surprised when he found himself standing in front of her door, trying to find any words to apologize. But as he reached up to knock, he hesitated. He couldn’t do this to her, not now. He let his hand drop.

The door whipped open anyway, and Rey was standing there, wild eyed. Those bright eyes were on his, chestnut hair framing her face.

He wasn’t sure if it was him who cupped her jaw in his massive hands first, or if she had tangled her fingers in his dark hair faster. Maybe it was more like two magnets snapping together after being too close, but either way, her mouth was on his, and suddenly the hole in his chest felt less empty.

Their lips moved on muscle memory as they moved together in a familiar dance. She pressed on her toes to get closer, and Ben instinctively palmed her ass as her legs parted slightly. The kiss continued easily as Rey leapt and Ben caught her under her strong thighs, her legs wrapped around his abdomen.

He pressed her back against the wall, grinding against her core. Her nails dug half moons into the meat of his shoulders, clinging to him tightly. Ben pulled away to let her catch her breath, just like before. His mouth peppered a well-known path along her neck and jaw as Rey’s head dropped back, panting softly.

His kisses slowed as he drank in the sweet smell of her arousal, her grinding back eagerly. He leaned his head back to take her in; her skin was radiating heat, and her lips were starting to redden already. Oh, but her eyes. Her honey hazel eyes were being slowly consumed with widening irises, sheer  _ want _ overwhelming every other emotion.

Then he saw the dark circles under her eyes.

Ben pulled back a little further, watching confusion overtake her expression, her chest still heaving ever so slightly. He scrunched his eyes closed in anguish, but he had to try and be good. He owed her that much. “I think you were right, Rey. We shouldn’t,” he whispered. Still, the shithead in him stroked her hip. “No matter how badly I want to,” he muttered.

For her response, Rey slowly rolled her hands to rest atop his shoulders. “Maybe we shouldn’t.” He nodded, but then she took his head in her hands, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “But I want to, Ben. I want  _ you _ ,” she breathed against his lips, kissing him again.

He felt his resolve break as he melted into her, but pulled back again. His eyes were searching hers, but there was no doubt in her eyes. “I don’t want you to regret this,” he begged.

Her fingers trailed down his neck, right where he was sensitive. She remembered, and like always, he was putty in her hands. “I might regret it later, but I could not give a fuck about it right now. What I care about is the way I need you right now,” she countered smoothly, tilting his chin up to meet her kiss.

She peppered his cheeks. “Tell me to stop and we will, Ben.” She tangled her fingers in his hair, tugging his head back to nip at the column of throat she now had access to. “Tell me you don’t want this,” she purred between kisses. “I know you better than take ‘we shouldn’t’ as a real reason. I know how badly we both need this tonight.”

Ben gasped sharply as she sucked a particularly sensitive spot, grinding involuntarily against her. The single available brain cell knocked a thought loose for him. “This is a bad idea, Rey. You know us,” he grunted, barely holding back from shoving her panties to the side and falling to his knees in worship of the goddess before him.

Rey raised a single eyebrow before peeling off her tank top and tossing it to the floor. Ben’s eyes dropped to her chest; petite, bare tits were begging to be touched by him, dusky pink nipples were aching to be teased. “We said that the last time you were here too, and yet here we are again,” she retorted simply, inhaling sharply as she pinched each nipple between her thumb and index finger.

Ben’s mouth was watering and his blood was pumping hard to his cock. “Rey–” he tried.

“Just fuck me, Ben,” she commanded, and any remaining argument crumbled before her. That’s all there was to it, really. Who was he to deny her? Who was he to deny them both?

He pressed his mouth back to hers, taking a mound full of breast in each hand. They were still a perfect fit as he squeezed the way she liked it, and she moaned into his mouth.

He wrapped his arms around her back, clutching her to his chest, other arm supporting and squeezing her perfect peach of an ass. He knew the way to her bedroom, depositing her on the bed without any further fanfare. He stripped out of his shirt and dropped his pants, catching a glimpse of her little shorts fly past his head and smack the closed door.

Rey’s legs were spread wide, and she made sure he was watching as two fingers she was sucking on disappeared into her slick center and she moaned as she pumped them slowly. Her focus was on his face as she worked herself open for him.

The only coherent thought Ben had was that he was going to have his mouth on that sweet-tasting cunt again before this was over, but there were more pressing matters. He crawled on to the bed, caging her underneath him. “Keep touching, Rey,” he whispered. She offered no objections, her cries getting louder when the tip of his tongue reacquainted itself with her nipple.

He rolled it between his teeth, sucking and teasing one nipple with his tongue while he firmly squeezed and thumbed the other. Each nipple got a turn as Rey’s back arched into him, the warmth of her core rolling in waves with now three of her fingers desperately trying to fill her up.

Ben offered no words to assure her, instead kissing down her body and nibbling on the soft, slick skin of her thighs where her essence lingered. Still as sweet as ever, he noted with delight. Soon, he was sucking marks closer and closer to where he knew she needed him, and he relented, replacing three of her fingers with two of his own, pumping and scissoring them.

He loved the way she squirmed underneath him, his tongue flicking over her clit as he worked her open on finger three. Rey was practically thrashing above his head, one hand buried in his hair and the other muffling a scream.

Soon, though, her legs were trembling as her walls fluttered and contracted around his fingers. He knew she'd rip into him for letting her rest, though, and almost immediately placed her ankles on his shoulders, sliding into her. The breath punched from her lungs in a perfect exhale, and he gripped her hips, slamming into her.

The exquisite heat of her body was one that was seared into his memory, and his cock was weeping with relief to be home again inside her. With each thrust, the sweaty sheen of their bodies helped them slide together even more easily.

True to form, Rey’s legs drifted to wrap around his waist again, driving him deeper and exactly where she needed him. Her back arched as he continued to pound relentlessly, his hands sliding to support her lower back. Moans took a harder edge as he crushed her body to his, and he felt the faint beginnings of the telltale flutter of her walls around him.

This wasn’t about him, he thought absently as Rey trembled beneath him. She claimed to be a lot of things, but Rey was capable of being selfish. It didn’t matter how much he’d obsess over this time with her, or how the lingering hope of them being anything like who they used to be would crush him. No, none of that mattered when it came to her. She knew him better than that.

Even if she was just using him to be less “rigid,” or to fuck him out of her system, he’d take it, and she absolutely would let him. If this was really the last time, and not like they’d agreed last time–or any of the times before that–he was going to cherish it.

With that in mind, he stilled for a moment. Her eyes were wide with confusion again, but before she could ask, he shifted them so that they were sitting together, her body impaled on his insistently throbbing cock. Her normal analytical look was creeping into her eyes; knowing good and damn well what she’d find given the chance, Ben moved fast, directing and slotting her kiss-swollen lips against his.

He half-expected her to pull away. She didn’t. He could feel her acknowledgement of what he wanted as she lazily returned his kiss. Her fingers were running along his nape comfortingly slow, and she pressed herself so close to him that there was hardly space between them.

His hips moved slower than the breakneck pace from earlier, more grinding against her pelvis. Her head dropped back as she whined. Dexterous fingers wove themselves into dark curls, and he pressed kisses near the base of her neck.

The increased intimacy of it all reminded him of their afternoon lovemaking on rainy weekends, where all that mattered in the world was making sure she knew how deeply he loved her.  _ He’d spend the rest of his life proving it, _ he declared to her once. She just laughed it off, but he’d bought a ring in a velvet box for her the very next day.

Now he fought tears as the weight of emotions threatened to crush him. Instead, he channeled them into making Rey’s sweet cries louder as she neared the brink. He could feel his cock threatening to burst as well, but he’d be damned if she didn’t get hers first.

One of his hands stroked her back, supporting her as she leaned back. His lips fell to an already overworked nipple, sucking it into his mouth. His tongue teased it more as the pad of his thumb rubbed along the swollen nub at her center.

She was babbling his name incoherently as his hips rolled against her. He murmured words he knew she couldn’t hear, reminding her how stunning she was, or how perfect she was just like this, and even quieter, how terribly he’d missed this–missed her.

Their bodies were still wired together in the same old way, and he sensed her imminently crashing orgasm before she let out a single, clear gasp of his name as her entire body twitched around him. Watching her shatter for him, because of him, never got old. He moved shallowly in her, wringing every last drop of pleasure from her body as she rode the waves. Between her overwhelming pleasure and her tight channel gripping him just right, it was only a few quick thrusts into her overstimulated body before he was hissing as he spilled in her.

The adrenaline of the moment sapped the last reserves of his energy, and he had enough presence of mind to fall on his back, her still wrapped up in his arms as they came down that high together. Their breaths mingled as their heartbeats slowed back to normal. Ben was feeling emotion welling up in him as he felt Rey’s pulse thudding in time with his own, and he instead pressed a kiss to her temple.

There was so much he needed to say to her. Every apology that had stuck in his throat, every kind word he’d planned to tell her in his marriage proposal, and every declaration of love he’d almost said out loud in the past few months, all meant for her ears.

Instead, an uncomfortable blanket of exhaustion was draping itself over him, and he had no more energy to fight it. Unsurprisingly, the half-baked thoughts bouncing around in his mind before gray dreamscape overtook him were just different expressions of her face.

* * *

The morning light was harsh as his head pounded. Ben shut his eyes as he sat up and shook his head lightly, feeling the waves of his hair freely moving in the room. He opened his eyes again, slowly this time.

Rey’s room was largely unchanged from the last time he was here. Their pictures from the beach together were still gone from her nightstand, and she’d taken the portrait he’d painted of her down from her wall. Her bedspread had kept its little tear from the night he’d first told her he loved her.

He steeled himself from the inevitable punch to the gut as he turned to the other side of Rey’s queen-sized bed, and felt it hit when it was empty.

Ben was  _ not  _ about to cry in his ex-girlfriend’s bed; he would do that at home.

Honestly, he should have known better. They might have occasionally fucked around when he was dumb and she was lonely, but that’s all these sporadic hook-ups had been for the past two months. Hell, there had been a guy here to do it for him when he got here.

Something awful settled in Ben’s gut. Rey absolutely had every right to sleep with whomever, the same way he had. But up until last night, as far as he knew, she had never elected to. And yet something had shifted. He and his evidence she was moving forward without him; he’d even heard the guy’s voice.

That was it, then. Their last call.

Ben sucked in a breath, forcing his shoulders to stop shaking. He instead focused on finding his clothes and getting the hell out of there.

His pants and boxers were easy enough, left near the bed’s edge. His shirt proved more elusive, though; even after checking under the bed and between nooks and crannies, it was still missing. Once he reached the door, the seductive aroma of coffee hit his nose.

_ Another small kindness, _ he supposed. Rey had been drinking exclusively green tea long before they’d met, and that was a habit she stood by.

Running a hand through his hair, he left the bedroom to see her perched on the sofa with a mug, hair tied up in the triple buns he’d grown to love. She offered him a small smile, and his heart squeezed as the room brightened a bit around her. She sipped at her mug, pointing with her elbow to a dark mug on the table.

The mug was filled with dark coffee, and sweetened with one spoon of sugar. He took it gratefully and planned to stand until she slid over and raised an argumentative eyebrow.

He sat slowly, sipping at his coffee uneasily in the silence. On her end of the couch, Rey tucked her legs underneath her and smiled privately into her tea.

She seemed content enough to let him squirm before she chuckled. “Relax, I’m not going to bite you. Whatever you were drinking spilled on your shirt. I’m just running it through a cycle. You can take a shower. You know where the towels are,” she said lightly.

Ben’s shoulders relaxed a bit. He drank the coffee more deeply, feeling the pressure lessening in his head already.

“Yeah, a shower might do you good; it’ll wash away the last bit of whatever girl you fucked before me,” she added, still nonchalant.

He choked on the coffee, though. He coughed it as Rey cackled beside him. “ _ What? _ ”

Her maniacal laughter dialed back to a chuckle as she sipped. “Bennett Hanson Solo,  _ come on. _ You’re smarter than that,” she tutted. She ran her finger up the side of his neck, just below his ear, and he clenched his teeth to keep from recoiling. “I know a hickey when I see one, and I  _ certainly _ would not have given you one there,” she murmured. “You’re ticklish there, except when you’re too drunk to notice.”

Ben’s coffee was suddenly much more fascinating.

She huffed, setting down her mug. “Ben,” she sighed. “I’m not going to lecture you on you fucking someone else, especially all things considered. You’re a grown man, and we’re–well–”

He looked up to see her rubbing her neck as she struggled, and suddenly heat was blazing up his neck. This was ridiculous! Here she was, acting comfortable with him, yet she couldn’t spit out that they were nothing more than  _ fuck buddies. _ He shoved his mug on the table, now sitting closer. “Please  _ Rey _ ,” he snapped. “Tell me, what are we?”

Any sheepishness in her dropped for fire instead, and her teeth were bared. “Oh,  _ don’t _ , Ben,” she snarled, crawling closer. “Don’t act all upset because we’re just as  _ fucking _ messy and undefined as we’ve always been. This is nothing new.”

Rage was boiling under his skin. He laughed humorlessly, throwing his arms up. “Look at that, Little Miss Perfect has to deal with something  _ messy  _ and  _ unstructured _ , like her eternal fuckup,  _ Ben Solo _ . You know  _ exactly _ what we are right now and it’s killing you to say it, because acknowledging that you have a relationship with  _ anyone _ that isn’t neat and tidy is admitting you’re capable of human experiences like failure or vulnerability.”

Rey drew back like she’d been slapped, but then her eyes narrowed as she pressed closer into his space. “ _ Fine, fuck buddy,”  _ she whispered, venom dripping from her voice. “Congratu- _ fucking _ -lations, asshole. You get to be right about this; that’s all this is, just like how  _ this is all I’ve ever been to you.” _

The callback to the words he regretted most was a backhand to the face, and Ben felt the sting as soon as she said it. His retort died in his throat, rage immediately doused as shame instead burned under his skin. He sat back against the couch.

Rey seemed to be as deflated by that admission as she was when he’d said it so long ago, shoulders shaking as she leaned back and far away from him as possible.

They both sat there, not moving for a while, the washer’s happy tumbling a glaring presence in their silence.

He could stay out here while she retreated to her room, he supposed. If she still had the same units he’d found and she’d fixed, he could dry his own shirt.

Rey sighed deeply beside him, rubbing her temples. She huffed a laugh. “We sound like your parents.”

Despite the tension, he snorted. “Please, we’re novices.”

She chuckled darkly beside him before the silence settled in again, a little lighter than before. Ben’s shoulders rolled as he sighed.

“I never did apologize for that, you know,” he finally admitted, feeling weight come off his chest. “I am sorry about that. I was blinded and hurt, and I said something I knew would hurt you.” He swallowed, letting his words sink in. “It’s not an excuse, just an explanation.”

She was quiet beside him, but he could see her mind working this over before she sighed. “It hurt me more than I could say,” she began. He squirmed but didn’t interrupt. “Once I got back here and thought about it some more, I figured either you were a better liar than I gave you credit for, or that was the most honest you’d ever been with me.” She looked up at him through her lashes, and he felt air punch from his lungs again.

Ice cooled Ben’s veins further as he looked at Rey’s eyes more closely. A web of tears sparkled on her lashes like diamonds. “It was so _easy_ for me to believe. I felt so stupid, thinking anyone could be with me and want to stay. No one had until you did, and then all of a sudden, you didn’t,” she sniffed. “It didn’t matter if you were lying or not,” she exhaled bitterly. “You knew it would hurt me either way, and it cracked me open, Ben. You said you loved me and then you _hurt_ me.” Her voice was starting to crack, and he could feel his heart shattering all over again. “The worst part was that there was only one person in the world I wanted to talk to at that moment. And I couldn’t. You took _that_ from me.”

He could feel her anguish flooding as she sobbed in front of him, head in her hands. Against his better judgment, instinct kicked in and he swept her into his arms in a crushing embrace. At first, she weakly beat on his shoulder with her fist and her attempts to tug away were feeble at best. Eventually her resistance failed, and she let him hold her. He peppered kisses into her hair and rubbed circles into her back as he rocked them gently, a few tears of his own silently trailing down his face.

Her sobs shifted into sniffles after a while, and he let her lean away. Her eyes were red and puffy. He wiped away errant tear tracks with his thumb, letting it stroke her cheek tentatively. When her eyes fluttered closed as she leaned into the touch, his heart squeezed again.

He had some more confessing to do, it seemed.

“It killed me when I realized what I’d said to you,” he breathed, still shaky. “I called and called and prayed you’d pick up. I didn’t leave my apartment for two weeks when you didn’t. I laid in my bed and begged pantheons of gods to rewind the clock and let me take it back.” He laughed bitterly. “It’s funny. You always could tell when I lied, except the one time I did it to hurt you.”

Whiskey brown met honey hazel, and he swallowed. He could do this for her, he had to. “I’ve been a broken man over you for months, Rey. I’ve done so much I’m ashamed of. I tried drinking to forget to you, and when that didn’t work, I burned a lot of people trying to find your warmth somewhere else. The truth is, all the light in my life followed you out when the door shut behind you, and I let the darkness eat me alive.”

His thumb ran along her jaw, the golden skin there soft and delicate. “What we had, what we were, it meant everything to me,” he confessed. “It  _ still _ does. Every time I’ve walked out that door since I haven’t been yours, it’s taken another piece of me.” He hung his head for a second, gathering his courage. “I know that I keep coming here and we keep reliving this pain, and while no one will ever know my body like you do, I can’t just be this with you, Rey. I’m not brave enough. I’m not strong enough. I can’t stop loving you long enough to recover.” Her breath hitched and tears were welling up in his eyes again, but he shoved the sob in his throat down.

He had to get this out. “If you need someone to hold you, I’ll do it. But not like this. Not the way we keep killing each other. I want this the way you still steal all the light in a room every time you smile. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy if you’ll have me again.”

Rey’s lower lip trembled. “And if I can’t?”

The floor dropped from underneath Ben, and he could feel himself falling, falling, falling deep back into the inescapable pit of despair he’d been in that night so long ago. He squared his shoulders and let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Then I’ll let you move on with your life, and I’ll make sure you’ll never be in pain because of me again,” he finished, a sad half-smile pasted on his face, barely sticking as he tried to keep his bruised heart beating in spite of the pain. “I’ll try and do the same.”

Tears spilled on her face again, and Rey was softly  _ laughing  _ through them. “You’re still the worst liar,” she remarked.

Before he had the chance to be offended, she cupped his jaw and glued her lips to his. Once he melted into her arms and kissed her back with fervor, she pulled away and he nearly whined at the loss of contact. Nearly.

She grinned, wiping away her tears. “You’re a terrible liar, but I loved you long before I knew that, and I still do now. God, I’ve been waiting for you to say that for months.”

Hope blossomed in Ben’s chest, and emotions had him in hyperdrive. His eyes scanned her face, and the warmth of her grin filled him with enough confidence to continue. “Rey…?”

“I don’t want to be without you, either,” she murmured, his face in her hands. “And if you mean what you say about putting in the work to be and stay happy together…” she trailed off. He nodded quickly, agreeing. 

Her answering smile glittered brightly. “Then we should  _ be _ together, Ben. You said it yourself; we know each other better than that, and I think we’re just stubborn enough to make it last.”

He barked a laugh, which she joined quickly with giggles. Eventually, she curled up against his bare chest and the washer finished. The silence in the room was more familiar, and exceedingly more comfortable.

He pressed a kiss to her temple, his arms just closing around her as she suddenly squirmed out of his embrace, popping over to the dryer to move his shirt.

As she swore under her breath, Ben couldn’t help the smile breaking across his face.

* * *

A year and a half later, Ben watched Rey in the bathroom from the king-sized bed, chuckling. “You should just borrow my toothpaste, sweetheart. I won’t hold it against you.”

She huffed from the bathroom, digging in her toiletry bag indignantly. “I know you won’t, it’s about the  _ principle _ , Ben. It’s my job to have the things you forget, not the other way around,” she lamented.

He strolled up behind her, resting his hands on her hips as he kissed her nape. “You are the only person I know who can stress in tropical paradise,” he deadpanned.

She twisted in his arms, a finger pushing his chest back. “You’re not funny.”

He stole a kiss from her lips. “Oh, Aurelia Kenobi-Solo, must our marriage start with dishonesty? You said, and I quote, ‘no one makes me laugh like you do’ in your vows just hours ago.”

A smile snaked across her lips. “You’re dumb and I hate you.”

He grinned back at her. “You’re a worse liar than me.”

She weaved her fingers through his hair, tugging him down to press her lips to his. She strolled out of the bathroom, and as she went, Ben could have  _ sworn _ her hips had thickened, and delectably so. But was he going to tell his newly wedded wife? Not unless he was to be newly divorced.

He smiled, thinking back over the last year. They had worked on Ben’s temper and Rey’s fears; it hadn’t been easy, but it was work he’d proudly done for the woman he adored so much. He’d walk through hell all over again, just if it meant seeing her nose twitch when she’d slightly inconvenienced them.

She’d been doing that more frequently, along with peeing a lot more than she usually did. She’d agreed to go to the doctor after their honeymoon instead of dismissing his concerns, which was enough to soothe his nerves, and was more evidence of how far they’d come.

He was the luckiest man alive to have her, and he told her as often as he could. After she took him back when he’d broken her heart, he’d promised himself he’d never do that again as long as he lived, no matter how bad things got.

That reminded him of something he’d remembered when he’d reflected on that while he was writing his vows. It didn’t feel like a good time to ask then, but now he had her alone for a week.

“Hey, Rey?”

She hummed in acknowledgement as she dug for toothpaste in his bag.

“Not that I’m ungrateful, but why did you answer me that night if you were already planning on sleeping with someone else?”

Her hands stilled.

“I was overwhelmed by my crushing loneliness,” she said solemnly. It nearly convinced him. 

Not quite, though. Ben narrowed his eyes. “Try again.”

Rey swore under her breath. “Because I was too nervous to make the first move and manipulated you into doing it?”

Ben blinked twice. If that were the truth, he was terrified about what she was capable of.

She finally blew out a breath, a blush dusting across her face. “Fine, _fine._ Honestly, I didn’t want anything to do with that douche Poe tried to set me up with, and I knew if my _asshole_ _ex_ were over, he’d tell Poe and they’d leave me alone.” She walked over to him, his cheeks in her hands. “More importantly, I was still a little hooked on that asshole, because no one ever gets a rise out of me the way you do.”

She ended her speech by kissing him sweetly, but he let his hands wander as she deepened the kiss and it quickly turned into something less sweet.

When they were lying in bed 40 minutes later, hair mussed and fingers intertwined, Rey was sighing happily against him. His nose was buried in her sweet-smelling hair, and his fingers stroked her bare hipbone.

“Wait, do you always call me an asshole when you tell that story?”

Rey pressed a kiss under his jaw. “Only when you’ve earned it, love.” He groaned, she cackled. “No way to escape now, you’re stuck with me as long as we both shall live.”

“Sounds perfect for the rest of my life, sweetheart,” he whispered back. The setting sun’s light gleamed from their twin wedding bands and scattered from the diamond on Rey’s finger.

Truly, as Rey snorted in his arms and they bathed in post-coital glow together, there wasn’t a single place he’d rather have been.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully you liked it! If not, come yell at me on Tumblr. [I made this for you.](https://ideallyanywhere.tumblr.com/)


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